Ron Swanson > Nick Offerman

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On Saturday, a friend and I went to go see Nick Offerman's American Ham Tour at the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts.  Nick Offerman, being an alum of the University of Illinois, stopped by the alma mater on his tour to help raise funds for the Japan House in honor of professor Shozo Sato.  Did you know that he studied Kabuki and performed in Japan?  Check out the bio below.

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He shared with us his "10 Tips for Prosperity" aka life lessons and between each lesson, shared an anecdote or two about "Chambana" (Champaign-Urbana, IL) life, some 'colorfully worded' songs/parodies, and many giggles (and boy does he giggle)!

1. Engage in romantic love.  This was hilarious, I loved his very candid appreciation of Megan Mullally.  He sang the "Rainbow Song" he wrote for her, which was filled with ROYGBIV puns, all very, very clear about his intentions with her when he finishes the song, haha!

2. Say please and thank you.  What should have been a very simple anecdote unfortunately turned into a very long-winded harangue of the Bible.  As a Christian, I get it.  If you don't believe, you don't.  But don't PREACH about how you can't stand Christians and the Bible.  (uh, hypocrisy for intolerance, much?) People like that ruin atheists as much as some believers do for Christianity. BOO.  In the end, his rambling turned me off so much that I couldn't even make the connection to tip #2.

3. Carry a handkerchief.  He sang a wonderfully vulgar song about all the chivalrous (and not so chivalrous) uses of a handkerchief.

4. Eat red meat. He literally said "that is all.  NEXT." and moved on to #5, ha!

5. Get a hobby (but call it a “discipline”).  

6. Go outside - remain. #5 and #6 were closely related because he told everyone to stop playing "candyninjaslicer" or something, and get a life.  A real one.  Preferably outdoors.  Pick a discipline, and get ridiculously good at it.

7. Avoid the mirror.  He talked about his self confidence about understanding that he is who he is, and embracing that.  As an aspiring actor at the University of Illinois, he knew he wasn't exactly the cute hollywood actor and wasn't cut out for that anyway.  Instead of feeling bad about it, he forged a different path for himself and claimed that he was much more happier than his actor buddies who go under the knife to feel better about themselves.

8. Maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ . . . if it is getting you sex.  

WOW.  Both were so incredibly offensive to me.  The reason I didn't walk out of the theater immediately upon hearing tip 2 was because HA, I have a sense of humor.  But when he started talking about exploiting Christian chicks at places like "Jesus camp", I lost it.  And not "lost it" as in "hahaha, I think I bust my spleen laughing, where is that anyway", but more like "I am so disgusted and have lost my respect for you, Nick." He lost me, and my usually generous reserves of humor dissipated at this point.  

9. Use intoxicants.  

10. Paddle your own canoe.  Cool story brah, but at this point, I was disenchanted with him.  

He ended the night by singing "5000 Candles In The Wind" (that tribute to Li'l Sebastian in Parks and Recreation) and busting out the Ron Swanson character - I laughed and applauded with the rest as he bowed and left the stage.  This show drove the point home that YES, Nick Offerman PLAYS a character on TV.  I was looking for lighthearted humor and fun anecdotes from Offerman, not overzealous, offensive preachiness.  Yep, I choose to love the character more than the actor.

In S04E06 of Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson says "What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your **** business." He gets his point across in a very concise yet non-offensive manner, which I totally respect.  Nick Offerman, however, chooses to steamroll Believers in a very heavy-handed, asshole-ish way.  NOT COOL, MAN.

 Ron Swanson > Nick Offerman.